RUDE Pants

A few years back, when I arrived to the new world which is college, I noticed a lot of girls wearing tights (leggings) (not yet RUDE pants) instead of sweat pants to the gym. At times, these women would wear the gym attire to, from, and in class, understandably so. The operative phrase here is gym attire.

The next year, it progressed into girls on campus wearing them with ballerina flats, canvas sneakers, and (gasp) heels. And so it began. The opening salvo had been fired in the make force-men-all-around-the-world-admire-your-figure crusade.

Well...fine, I am man. I like that. Go for it.

The trend/ malady was taken a further step still, with the girls on campus not only wearing said tights with Uggs (or knock off snow boots), but with shirts that stop at or above the waist. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, butts were indeed exposed. These girls quickly wised up to the fact they cannot simply wear any type of underwear with the pants, rapidly transitioning to having more thongs and seam-less underwear in their drawers. From that point forward, women's butts (arses, culos) were to be forever exposed.

The trend developed into a kind of style, sorta like the "girl uniform" of RUDE pants and shirt. No need to coordinate jean washes anymore. And, like many styles, this one expanded to the masses, so civilians (including black girls with ridiculously big arses) began to adopt the RUDE pants style.

Epidemic indeed.

I know you see it all around you. Butts everywhere, jiggling with reckless abandon, teasing everything down to the very core of my manhood. Regarding trends, however, be it musical or of fashion, saturation tends to kill them off, or at least dilute them a bit. The RUDE pants have since become ubiquitous, and it has come to a point where seeing them is a bit paralyzing. Trying to avert your attention from the thin piece of 34% polyester-42% acrylic-21% rayon-3% spandex cloth is mentally draining task really.

Not that I'm a butt connoisseur or anything, but I'm a man. It's what we do.

I'd just ask that the RUDE pants are worn in moderation, not as the essential part of a wardrobe.

I just told someone about this post while writing and she said, "Guilty! I haven't worn jeans in a year." She's not lying.

Oh, and thanks for the tongue-in-cheek, American Apparel.

I haven't come up with an acronym for them yet, so feel free to christen RUDE with one in the comments.

The Dream Team (Shameless Objectification Part 2)

see Part 1

In the hypothetical situation that God and Deebo ask me to create a soocer team of highly attractive, scintillating women, this is the team I'd assemble. Each one has a different role, as you will see below. My XI will gladly defeat anyone's squad. It's on!

Megan Fox: Def (US)

This actress simply exudes sex. If I saw her in public, I’d probably pounce on her, just as she’d do to oxen.

Lovefoxxx: Def (Brazil)

The eclectic Brazilian songstress’s inclusion in the team appears to be misguided upon first inspection, but it’s her bravery which sets her apart from most women. At most of the shows with her band CSS, she wears these wild outfits. She seems to favor the one-piece, colorful mind-fucks.

Rosario Dawson: Def (US)

Just her height gets my juices flowing…all of them.

Kerry Washington: Def (US)

Simply stunning. This woman stops men mid-sentence. Don’t believe me? Try uttering a word in her presence.

Olivia Wilde: Mid (US)

“She’s so sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox. She’s mesmerizing.”

--Megan Fox

Vashtie Kola: Mid (US)

She does EVERYTHING. She writes the treatment for AND directs music videos. She’s fashion-forward with her clothing line, Violette, in addition to 1992 parties, which she co-hosts with Q-tip usually. She appears to be everywhere in the LES (Lower East Side). No wonder she’s downtown’s sweetheart. And any girl who can seamlessly transition from Jordans to heels and kill both outfits deserves to be on my team.

Penelope Cruz: Mid (Spain)

This actress is universally beautiful. She could go anywhere in the world and guys would think she’s hot. Oh, and that accent is enough to make me sweat even if butt ass naked in Antarctica.

Natalie Portman: Fw (Israel)

This woman is simply beautiful. Not only can she get away with going bald. She looks damn fine doing it. "We love you, Natalie." "I wanna f*** you, too!"

Denyce Lawton: Fw (US/ South Korea) She’s just hot...seriously. Sure, she does a lot of stuff, but she’s here because she’s hot. Period. Apparently she has a great sense of humor. We’ll take that, too, I suppose.

Rihanna: Fw (Barbados)

This once good girl gone bad has evolved into quite the hot commodity. From the tattoos to the hair to the overall style, she appears to be in top form. Of course she has a stylist, but who cares, really? She wears it with conviction, unlike most.

Sasha Grey: GK (US)

She takes it in the face like a champ. Duh.

Crazy Things Women Do On Facebook

“A woman might also use her Facebook photo albums to present an image of herself that doesn’t exactly match up to reality. In her photos she might appear more sexy, more adventurous and altogether more exciting than she is in real life.”

Check out this piece below from Ask Men.

Crazy Things Women Do On Facebook

And, yes, it's written by a woman, so she would know. But I'm sure many men partake in such fuckery as well.

Shared via AddThis

The Self-Proclaimed “Greatest Person Ever”…in Her Own Words

Me: We should write a book.

Alex: Just write down what I say.

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Me: I don’t even know why I talk to you.

Alex: I’m entertaining. I would talk to me too.

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Alex: I make grown dudes giggle.

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Me: I’ve been talking to you for an hour? WTF?

Alex: I told you I’m entertaining. Time flies.

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Alex: How could something about me not be the greatest thing ever?

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Alex: You know who can get it? The werewolf from Twilight.

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Alex: Sid, if I get married, you’re gonna have to stop calling me “Jones”

Me: Naa, nigga. I’ll still call u Jones.

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Alex: Sid, I need you to check my Spanish paper.

Me: How ‘bout u wake up first, Jones.

Alex: How bout u suck me off, Sid.

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Alex: I am going to kick you in the face.

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Me: You’re weird.

Alex: No, you think I’m superhuman. That’s what it is.

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Alex: Mom, u gave me too much sangria! This is child abuse.

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Alex: Sometimes, people take an aversion to the entity which is Alex.

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Wise, but never antiquated; complex, but never overwrought. This is my friend, Alex, ladies and gentlemen. The "Greatest Person Ever".

What These Women Can Do With Their Bodies

Please watch both of these videos, with or without sound.

Shakira - She Wolf

Shakira - New Music - More Music Videos

Ciara - Love, Sex, Magic (feat. Justin Timberlake)

Ciara featuring Justin Timberlake - New Music - More Music Videos

My, oh my! Some women can learn so much from these two videos (masterpieces).

Sport Shopping

this post is courtesy of my iPhone, while shopping...with women. from time to time, due to extenuating circumstances, I end up shopping with women. no, I don't get persuaded or goaded into it. somehow, some-effing-how, it always happens. I must admit, maybe 1 percent of the time, I knowingly throw myself to the wolves and agree to this shopping-with-women thing. (random: when I'm agitated, I tend to not make eye contact). anyway, shopping-with-women may be the most disappoining and upsetting thing. ever.

technically, women don't know how to shop. generalization: they buy things because they're on sale, not because they actually want them. putting it all together, guys are minimalists in a sense (I know I am), whereas girls have a bunch of extra crap they never really wanted in the first place. oh, and like many woman endeavors, this shopping occurs very sslloowwllyy.

while men do things like throw around a football, play a quick 21 or hours of FIFA/ madden, women shop with women. and, as aforementioned, it takes forever...literally. I'm sure the man things I mentioned above are equally upsetting to them (women), and i bet my female friends can enlighten me in that regard. but for now, I can't see it from that perspective, as I am but one man. I mean, think about it: me seeing it from their perspective would grant me way too much power and clairvoyance, thereby destroying the universe.

Don't go looking for something you'd rather not find

Some people can handle the truth, others can't. We all know this. You can tell some people you got that promotion, while it's best to let others find out on their own. Same thing with females. Now I'm not gonna generalize...much. I actually have a few questions:

1. Why do women feel the need to go thru a man's phone? Do you think you're gonna find an interesting YouTube vid on it? some cool photos? Or do u really wanna read word for word what I planned on doing to some chick right before I came and saw you?

2. Why do women ask questions to which they KNOW well and good they won't like the answers? I'm in my early 20's. I'm in college. Don't be surprised I do rude nigga shit from time to time. See, my problem is that I DO tell the truth. Because I'm a grown man, I choose not to speak about my sex life to any and everybody. If we are not an item, I owe NOTHING to you in that department. Some things are just better left unsaid. I'm not saying walk around like a clueless fuck, but I'm 99% sure you're 100% sure I talk to other women. Isn't that what "single" means anyway? Oh, and that 1% is me thinking there's an off chance you're mentally challenged! Again, I'm not saying we all should have Jedi-like levels of intuition, but I mean, if you know me as well as you do (and you know who you are), get a clue. Use common sense. I tell you everything you need to know, not what I think you need to know, but what I know you need to know. Otherwise, feelings get hurt. Quite frankly, the rest just complicates things. Shit like that could destroy the universe...seriously.

Women, you can't live with 'em...

I hate when women get angry at you just to see how you’re gonna react. Over my illustrious career of women-chasing, I’ve noticed some women just try their best to give their man (men) what I would characterize as bitch tests.

No, this is not bitch in the sense of a female dog or a female, even. This is bitch as in pussy, if you will. Anyway, such examinations usually occur when the woman (some women get mad when I call them females, or women for that matter—I think ladies is the middle ground) feels insecure about herself and/ or her man and/ or the relationship as a whole.

Exhibit A: a woman and I got into a WWF (Mean Girls)-style shouting match. What the argument was about is irrelevant, but the aftermath is important. After a few days of not talking (daily phone conversations were common before our Wrestlemania fight), my phone rings. “So you don’t care about me anymore?” I didn’t even get a “hello.” She jumped right into it. Such things occur on tests, as the examiner tries to throw you off guard with some questions you didn’t even get to yet. Anyway, I responded plainly that I did, and that I was just annoyed by her at the moment and didn’t feel like talking. “so u just don’t care?” “I do” “no, you don’t” “I DO! LEAVE ME THE EFF ALONE YOU’RE EFFING ANNOYING!”

Now, there’s a difference between caring and giving an eff. Caring includes cognisance that the woman is alive, a genuine interest in her well-being and safety.

Yes, you read the text correctly. I do NOT miss you.

Giving a eff would require the man to acquiesce in a situation like above and say something just to make her smile, like “I’m sorry baby, I’ve just been tremendously stressed out from (work, school, eating babies, etc…)” instead of the reaction in all caps above. As far as tests go, I passed this one with flying colors. She, on the other hand, just couldn’t understand my handwriting.