Workout with Big Workout

Just about everyone at some point in their lives has had a hobby: something they enjoy doing on a regular basis on their own accord. Some people like to read thought-provoking novels. Others like to paint water-colors of magnificent landscapes or take photographs of those magnificent landscapes. Also, a good number of individuals like to harness their creative potentials by playing various types of musical instruments.


Me? I just like lifting heavy objects up and then putting them back down (repeating as necessary).


Because of this exciting hobby of mine, I've had the opportunity to become quite acquainted with my favorite Penn facility of all time (besides DRL and Hillel of course): the David Pottruck Health and Fitness Center. Like all college spots, Pottruck (or as me and Sid call it: "The Gym") has its cast of characters. Over the past three years, we've managed to pick out a core group of fellow gym-goers who lift during the same times we do. We've even given several of them pet names just because we love them so. The following is a list I've compiled stereotyping the lifters I've observed during my time at Penn. Not everyone fits into one category, and many people span several. I just hope you're not both a "Gorilla" and a "Bomber" because I can't even begin to fathom what that would smell like.

1. The Bum

He is easy to spot because he is the only one working out in whatever he wore to class/work that day (polo T, Vato shirt, jeans, sandals, crocs...whatever!). 99.9998% of the time you can find him solely on the pec dec and bicep curl machines using weights your grandma could lift with her pinky toe, giving the impression that he probably doesn't know what the hell he's doing.


2. The Gorilla

No in-depth explanation needed for this one. He is usually the first person you spot when you enter the weight room because you just can't help but stare at his physique. However, your gaze is not out of envy but is rather triggered by sudden feelings of disgust and horror. With arms so grossly oversized compared to the rest of his body, veins which look like they are screaming for mercy, and a non-existent neck due to his comically-bulging traps, you suddenly realize that he's the kind of guy who buys all the weird shit they keep in the very back of GNC.


How about some SUPER MASS GAINER to help you gain weight without eating all that pesky real food?




Or if that's not your thing, how about some MONSTER MILK: Made from the breast milk of actual Himalayan Yetis.



3. Deadpool

Unlike the Marvel character of the same name, this guy is real...and deadly. Abnormally active exocrine activity in his body results in the "dead pools" of sweat he leaves behind on every bench he uses, leaving the poor bastard up next to clean up. He doesn't even have to use it for very long before a nice puddle accumulates under his head. It would also be wise to avoid being downwind of him at all times.


4. The Celeb

Seeing Jim Jones and Ron Artest look-a-likes walking around the gym really brightened up my days for some reason.

CUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRLINNNNNGGGG!

5. The Pick-up Artist

Another gym staple is the Pick-up Artist. This guy doesn't play any games. You immediately figure out the only reason why he lifts just by recognizing the fact that he resembles an ostrich: huge upper body....and teeny weeny chicken legs. His physique is scientifically tailored to stretch out tight T-shirts he wears to the bar to impress the ladies. But really, who can blame him? I've yet to see a drunk girl ask to feel a dude's quads. You can also find him at home doing push-ups to get a pump before heading to the bar.


6. The Ninja Warrior

This guy obviously isn't lifting for the same reasons the rest of us mortals are. While most college-age males lift to stay in shape and/or to get girls' attention, this motherfucker is preparing for the rise of the machines. While the rest of us bench press, pull-up, squat, and curl, the Ninja Warrior is following some esoteric-ass training program passed down from generation to generation (or just some crazy shit he looked up online). He must also really want to keep his body guessing because I have yet to see him do the same routine twice.

True Ninja Warrior


7. The Chick?

There are some young ladies who pop into the weight room from time to time. They usually do abs and very light dumbbell work, but it's all good. I am always grateful for any extra motivation. However, there is also one girl who pops in and does some decent weight. I even saw her do standing military presses with around 90 pounds. While I think that she's just a big woman with a strong chin, Sid insists that all that power is caused by a sex hormone that doesn't start with the letters "E" or "P"...


8. The Bomber

I understand that sometimes you just have to let one rip, but right as I'm walking by? While I'm carrying weights? Seriously?